Part 101: Very Extended Penis Long

Working on the next update, I've started taking caffeine pills to manage the nonstop fatigue I've been dealing with. I apologize severely for the extreme hiatus.

However, I have something you'll likely...well, it reminds me of Vietnamese Crystal all over again.

You see, I'd heard that casual Battle Network sites or random other webpages had mentioned the past LPs, and I was curious what people thought of them. Googling "Epee Em Let's Play", off I went, and indeed, I did find a few people over the past few years who've found the BN stuff, as well as one guy on an Oscars review site mentioning the Vietnamese Crystal LP for some reason in an aside note. Nothing too interesting so far.

Then THIS came up:




The resulting website makes no fucking sense no matter how much I try to understand what in the hell could have led to this.

You know what, let's review the sucker bit by bit.



It's worth noting that the entire upper navigation bar just leads to the front page. Oh, right, and the fact this is a penis enlargement pill website that for some insane reason has my name and the BN1 LP's URL plastered onto it on Google.

What or how you can get a 10% discount is never revealed, and then you get free shipping on orders of over 250 USD or more. Which really begs the question of what the hell someone NEEDS with 250 dollars worth of dick pills. "Hey, Steve, look what I got you for Christmas!" Not exactly a great gift item, and let's just presuppose the things WORK somehow, I think there's a logistical threshold where, to be succinct, tab A no longer fits in slot B.

What I really find most ominous is the "regimen" thing next to the bed. What's obviously Viagra, a glass of water to take them with...and a medicine ball weight with a ribbon tied to it. Horrifying jokes of non-muscular weightlifting (have fun with that mental image) aside, you have to wonder what ELSE it'd be used for. It's not like doing cardio exercise or making your squats more intense (or at least not in that way) are going to affect that particular metric. Or any other conceivable use for what seems to be a cast iron weight. Is it for stretching, weightlifting...bludgeoning yourself over the head with until you stop trying to think about such horrors?

That or maybe its just a lazily-made model of a sperm cell what with the bulbous head and ribbon tail. It could also be some sort of teapot photographed at a weird angle.

But, no, this isn't WEIRD enough yet, let's get to why I'm comparing this to VietCrystal.



We then get the text, and here's where the stuff that made me unsure of whether I wanted to sob or crack up began. So VPXL stands for Very Penis Extended Long. Made in the USA! Honest to god, I wish I were funny enough to say anything that could make this situation more hilarious than it already is, but I just...can't.

If this doesn't become someone's avatar/title combo or a new goon's username, I will be amazed.

Very Penis Extended Long is an herbally based formula. That's how you know it's of top quality, it has dandelions, that tall grass that grows around fire hydrants and other objects weedwhackers can't get close enough to that every animal ever wants to pee on, and probably some ancient Chinese secret ginger extract boiled three times in wasp blood to extract the true dickification (to borrow Regal's master plan terminology) powers within.

Time to get bigger.
Make it huge.

Oh, right, and then comes the actual description. For ease of everyone copying and pasting, I'll transcribe. No, you can't highlight it on the website, because the inept programmer just embedded an image rather than learn how to space anything. I'm not joking one iota. Said image's alt text is "Let's Play MegaMan Battle Network" for whatever fucking reason. Also, because that full name is comedy gold already, I'll spell it out each time it's used.



Okay, excuse me while I nearly throw up from laughing so hard already.

If you asked me to come up with something utterly nonsensical/hilarious out of nowhere to make fun of myself by designing this as a planted fake, I would not come up with anything near this hysterical. I won't go into a Sex Ed lesson of detail, but, um, needless to say: Very Fuckup Extended Tally: LOTS.

"HardOn! Apply directly to the foreskin!" is what I half expected to read at some point in there. Oh lord, where does one start?! I'll just go line by line as I would with the games themselves I guess.

Someone get SwolePT in here, clearly we've discovered a revolutionary miracle. I feel like this is the will of the internet itself, manifested as Very Penis Extended Long, come to rain things like this upon me for what I've LP'd before. Is this a gift, or a punishment? On the other hand, if they actually do ship bottles of these things that are labelled fully "Very Penis Extended Long", I think I've found the best gag gift ever.

Alright, let's take that description piece by piece.

"Very Penis Extended Long is a herbal male enhancement formula that can be used to increase penis size of a comparatively short period of time."

I'm sure that's what every dude and maybe some intersex want, right? Stretch marks.

"Very Penis Extended Long will increase the capacity limit of the Corpora Cavernosa thus allowing more blood to enter the cavern creating a longer and thicker erection. Very Penis Extended Long stimulates cell growth within the corpora cavernosa itself. An increase in cells allows for more blood to enter the penis making the penis larger and the erection more intense."

I love how they barf out two completely contradictory ideas without even bothering to hide them one bit. "More blood gets to enter, bigger boner, woo!" and then "The amount of cells/mass increases, so more blood gets to enter". Or in other words, "it increases the volume of the cell tissues, so they take up more space, which means you can fit more blood in". Not only are the first and second sentences contradictory, the second sentence isn't even internally consistent. It's literally saying "this thing that prevents something from happening makes it happen more".

"The corpora cavernosa are the two bodies of erectile tissue on each side of the penis. This treatment is all-natural and in most cases can be expected to increase penis size by up to 4 inches within six months of regular treatment. It can also increase the thickness of the male organ."

Suddenly, a euphemism. It's like a game of Dick Dick Goose or something, they use the basic name every time but then suddenly have to get all shy and roundabout when it comes to thickness. Oh my WORD.

"The unique combination of ingredients assures success of the treatment. Online shopping for this kind of treatment can save you a lot of time and money, not to mention you will enjoy the full anonymity and confidentiality of your private information."

I'm sure rat feces, sugar, and maybe Blue #7 or something are pretty unique as far as ingredient combos go. Sobering fact, though, anything that says "these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA" or whatever? They pretty much get to sell you whatever they damn well want, be it cockroach heads, outright toxic materials, or whatever snake oil you want to indulge in. Also, I made a HeadOn joke before, but I recall some lab tested that stuff and it was like...99% paraffin wax and 1% of a known carcinogen or something. The manufacturer's response was "it works through the nerves".

And I think that the odds of these guys stealing your credit info and/or blackmailing you is pretty much a guarantee, so watch out if you do get tempted to try finding a gag gift Very Penis Extended Long bottle.

"Different ingredients of the this remedy help the patient get rid of anxiety, tone the entire body and reproductive system, while addressing the whole range of sexual issues a man may have, from low libido and impotence to sexual fatigue. Very Penis Extended Long is 100% natural with no known side effects. All growth is permanent."

And there, the last bit. Pun most certainly intended, but it takes balls to advertise your product as some kind of does-everything single pill miracle like this. Maybe if it was just one of the above, it would be a little less ridiculous, but then they say things like how it will tone your entire body and reproductive system.

Then comes the related bar...



The first entry seems to just be a keyword dump. But read between the lines a bit. Realize that "masterbation" is so common that it gets its own search keyword for automated software to use. And apparently you serve them with a nice romantic dinner, I imagine the pills make a colorful replacement for caviar on a piece of carpaccio or something. Nothing says romantic and tender like penis pills. Not Viagra, even, pills that will take 6 or so months to allegedly do anything, probably give the user some obscure disease like Argyria or something. "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't have set all this u- what are those?" "These will make my dick bigger in 6 months, aren't you excited!?"

And then apparently Very Penis Extended Long, bless it, has tried its own hands/telekinesis/multiple-dick-pincer-claw-tendrils at making a LP of FF 14.

I'd love to make a joke about the next two, but I have no idea what the hell they are. Just like with VietCrystal, there are times where nothing comprehensible can be said. Salman Khan? That's...an Indian philanthropist, according to Google, prominent in Hindi cinema. Then there's something about breaking up with Vanguard Link Joker, which I assume means that that nonsensical Magic: The Gathering movie Hasbro announced recently is going to have Mark Hamill voicing Link, crossing over from Zelda via cross-promotion with Nintendo.

I think it's worth noting I had no sleep last night and am starting to realize how incoherent I'm getting, so things are probably going to get more jumbled from here on out.

The last one is just recursion, because apparently they really really want you to buy their Very Penis Extended Long pills and are insecure about their giant dongs being used as doorstops from across the living room all the time. Seriously, people will trip on that. That or they could not be remotely assed to use whatever batshit algorithm was used to assemble this trainwreck.



The very unfortunate YouTube LPer RoahmMythril is apparently the one being linked here. The price of the pills is about as much extortion as one would expect given that this whole thing is only being shown at all due to how much of a disaster of a blatant scam it is.

I mean, this screenshot isn't so bad, but then you look below poor, poor Sal. (Wait, oh my god, WoodMan)

Once again, much like how VietCrys would sometimes lapse into completely unrecognizable gibberish that looked like some kind of newspaper comic profanity censor, there's really nothing to make heads or tails or other-heads of this. At first it talks about circumcision, but then it lapses into whatever the hell those decimals are. Curious, I checked the page source:

Whatever the hell it means, "1.97, [Q_CONTENT-{. }-1-2].68" is indeed what they meant to say. Also, given this context, I really do not want to know what the hell a RumbleKitten is.



The first video is simultaneously about MMBN2's Koto Area and the French dub of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Okay, I admit, I would very much like to see Duo's asteroid get blown up by a Death Star superlaser, but the French adaptation would just ruin it for me I guess. It'd have a mustache...



Eh, give and take I guess.

The second video is the creatively-named Mr. Long---

Okay, it was at that point I decided to be a smartass (as usual) and grab a picture off those old Mr. ___ kids books, like Mr. Happy, Mr. Greedy, etc. for this, I think Mr. Tickle'd work well for it, but then not only did I find Mr. Mean in a side article on the Mr. Men Wiki, but someone had vandalized it.

I repeat, there is a wiki. Of the Mr. Men kids books.

And someone took the time to write it.

Followed by someone else taking the time to vandalize it:



What...Am I hallucinating these last few hours? I'll click Submit Reply, and all this nonsense will have never happened and I'll wake up in my bed? I think I make a better Mr. Angry anyway, but why does he have a bowl cut of all things!? My entire world is transforming into dicks.



Back to this nonsense, me reposting the same image so you don't have to scroll up, it seems we jump to the other end of the spectrum, wi-Oh god fucking dammit, will I ever be free of those things!?



God motherfucking shit. Alright, wrapping up coverage on...whatever the everloving monkeyfuck hell this whole psychotic episode is supposed to have been...



So, the worldwide delivery options, blah blah, then suddenly there's some random Japanese that Google turns up as some random anime. Well, I suppose the intersection of cartoon characters, penis growth, and MegaMan is squarely on Japanese game shows, so whatever works.

And then there's suddenly a bagpiper and casino advertisements.

No, seriously, can anybody even remotely explain to me what the fuck this IS!?